I'm not really sure I'm updating this. I never use livejournal and it seems like the handful of people whose journals I would actually read don't seem to update, either. Maybe I'll start a new blog somewhere else - or more likely, continue updating this at increasingly distant intervals until I eventually forget about it completely, signaling an end to my blogging phase that never truly began in the first place. 

Less-than-interesting-fact: This is the first time in college I've ever actually had alcohol in my refrigerator. Thinking about it, I've only bought alcohol 4-5 times my entire life, including this weekend, and every time it's been for a party I was throwing or helping to throw. It's actually a little mind-boggling, considering how often I drink. But yeah, this is the first weekend I've ever had beer for the sake of having beer. I've become increasingly impulsive as I've gotten older - something I've grown to regard as a good thing - but I really wish I had paused and pondered a moment before deciding the one thing my apartment really needed 48 (now 42) cans of Bud Light. Seriously, of all the bad beer I could have gotten....well, it was on sale, sigh. I keep telling myself that in a month from now I'll be able to go home and drink all the delicious, semi-expensive beer and wine I want for free... Oh Blue Moon, I am longing for you.....

I love Tucson. I never figured out why I felt like I needed to come here. The change of scenery, the desire to feel independent, and the University were all valid reasons, but I was never able to put my finger on why I wanted to come out here except for this incredible longing to move to Tucson. Tucson, specifically; I had looked at tons of other cities and schools but nothing ever spoke to me before or after Tuscon... which is strange because for the first several months of wanting to move here, all I knew about it was it was in Arizona and had a University.  I felt like I was supposed to come out here before I even knew where 'here' was.  I am so, so glad I decided to ignore all the logic and move. I don't know if I've grown up, or changed, or become more mature .... it doesn't feel like it. I feel like exactly the same person I was before I left. But I've never felt so... comfortable? I know beyond a doubt I am where I am supposed to be, doing what I am supposed to be doing. Maybe I have grown up. I know I've become a better artist. Maybe not better from a technical standpoint yet - but better in the sense that it's growing into a bigger part of who I am, a bigger part of how I look at the world. I do look at things differently now, I know that much for sure.

However, attempting to turn half of my tiny bedroom into a mini art studio was a tremendous mistake. There are still pieces of foam everywhere - under my sheets, in my pant's pockets, nestled in the cracks of my tv remote - from a sculpture project I finished a week ago. Bad, bad decision. New goal: either figure out a way to fence in the art area or work more, make more money, rent a studio. 

Although, using the university's studios isn't so bad. Sure, the doors automatically lock at sunset, so even leaving for a cigarette requires a handful or doorstoppers and good amount of luck, and yes, they get really crowded, and yes, security guards will kick you out if you don't have written permission to be in that specific room a that specific time.... but around 2am the art building is one of my favorite places. There are no guards after midnight, so the only people left are the weird, eccentric artists trying to finish their project due tomorrow or simply the people trying to forget about their insomnia for awhile. Someone always brings beer and weed and we run around the building kinda drunk and high, covered in paint, laughing our asses off, getting inspired by other student's art and swapping advice on how to make our own better.

That's one of my favorite things about Tucson. Everyone is so goddamn weird. I've befriended some of the most weird, beautiful, colorful, complex human beings I've ever encountered in my entire life.  

And I'm officially rambling. Time to go.  

Friends Only. Comment to be added.


Most recent entries are public, occasionally more personal entries will be friends only. Still comment here if you want to be added.  Yay! 

Thank goodness for vacation.

I've realized it's time to leave Massachusetts, I want to go on a new adventure. Thought about running away to California but that seemed too cliche. I'm hoping to get in to school at the University of New Mexico, but I'm also applying to schools in Arizona and Colorado. Haven't broken the news yet to my mom which should be interesting.

     I love simple, easy, lighthearted days. Today was my first day quitting smoking, and it was perfect.
( <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 )




     What a perfect day. I've had so many perfect days lately. And I think the best word to sum up my weekends is 'blissful'. I finally feel really settled with this still very-new lifestyle. I have great friends here and at home, an incredibly supportive mother, an indescribably wonderful boyfriend... on top of it, I am learning SO much, and am practically guaranteed a spot on the Dean's List.

     I wish I was eloquent enough to sum up how happy I am, especially compared to how I was doing three years ago. For the first time since I was thirteen, I feel happy, complete, whole, free. I get to focus on enjoying and getting the most out of life, not just floating by.

What I love about college:

Really thought provoking, interesting textbooks
Living with a group of fun people
Getting to know a group of girls really well
People to talk to at all hours of the night
Being able to drink on weekends
Teachers who encourage debates in the classroom
Having lots lots of free time and making my own schedule

What I don't love about college:

Really dense, take-forever-to-read textbooks
Living with a group of crazy people
Getting to know a group of girls who's menstrual cycles are in sync
People that keep me up at all hours of the night
Being able to drink until I pass out on weekends
Teachers who fail to start debates in the classroom because no one did the reading
Having lots of free time and planning my schedule around stupid library hours

     I'm so glad I took a year off before going to college. My decision got a lot of raised eyebrows, and even I wasn't sure I had made the right choice at first. It was hard last fall, seeing everyone go off and get left behind. Now that summer has rolled around and seeing former college freshman who are returning home Im -so- happy I did this.  

     So many I people I know really struggled. Several people I know have decided not to go back to school next year. I also know 2 people this year who had already taken a year off and were going back, and it seems like the majority of the people I know who have finished college ended up taking a break year.  Highschool can be such a whirlwind, taking a break to pause and catch your breath and pull yourself back together is almost necessary.  I'm more focused, independant, level-headed now. School will be no cakewalk, but I'm in a much better place to ride the ups and downs of it without getting overwhelmed.

     And because I've had time to myself, I've been able to really think about what I want to do in the future, take a few classes (without the pressure of meeting a gpa), and explore my possibilities. Going into college with a concrete plan of what I want to do and how to get there is just one more stress I don't have to deal with.

It's almost 3am and I can't sleep! I'm tired, physically, but my mind is racing. Not in a bad way. I went with Suzi for her interview @ UMass Boston and then ran off to Sophie's high school graduation, now I can't stop thinking about my pursuit of higher education.

I leave next saturday for my 3 week college camp/writing workshop/add bootcamp. 3 weeks is not a long time, I'm not really worried/overthinking/nervous about it. And it sounds like I'm going to be so busy that  I won't really have time to think about anything or anyone I'm missing.

But it's weird, this is the first step to going to college. It's sort of starting to sink in. I can't wait to go - but at the same time, I have a life here now. I think it's different when you go straight to college from high school. Sure, you have friends and relationships and established things then, but everyone's leaving at the same time. I'm leaving a lot behind.  Not that I don't want to go. 

3 weeks can sorta be a long time, I guess. Because my college is relatively close by I doubt I'll often go more than a week or two without coming home for a visit, so this will probably be the longest I'll be out.  I've been practicing talking on the phone (my biggest weakness, except for maybe not getting lost and public transportation) so I don't lose touch. I know I'll be back soon, I'm not too worried ... but then I'm only home for a month and a half before  I leave for good. Well not for good. I'm gonna try to be home every other week. A lot of locals go to the school so that's not uncommon. I sort of said all this already. I'm kinda rambling.

I think the main point of this is I'm gonna miss my boyfriend! *sob* 

 Watching + reading self-help books/shows about topics that have nothing to do with my life is one of my favorite ways to spend a lazy evening. After watching a couple episodes of Intervention about drug addicts and flipping through my Dr. Phil's book on how to prevent your family from sliding into chaos, I feel... content. I guess it's kind of twisted. Seeing all these horrible things that other people have to go through makes me feel so greatful for everything good and wonderful in my life, and puts all the things that have been bothering me into perspective. It makes me love people more in general. 
On a *totally* unrelated note... it's freckle season! A couple days in the sun and I'm pale as ever but all freckly. I would never be one of those people who would abuse their skin in order to tan, but I can sort of relate - it would be almost worth it just to be able to see my freckles year round. Alas, they'll be gone by the time summer ends .. but at least it gives me something to look forward to each year? Anyhoo, I got distracted today and decided to document them~

Sorry if this kills your friends page, my lj cut thing button is not working.

Note to self:

Staying up late to do homework is NOT a productive method of getting things done. The later it get, the longer it takes you to do even the simple things and the more the quality of work goes down. Once it gets to be really late at night you realize that you need to stop because at this point everything youre doing is so bad it needs to be re-done in the morning, anyway, but because you've stayed up so late it's almost impossible to wake up on time.  As counter productive as it sounds go to bed ASAP as soon as you realize it's going to be a long night and wake up as early as possible. 

Also, self, it is pointless to wake up really early to go paperwork if your going to get distracted by the nice weather and go frolicking until later afternoon. work THEN frolic.  or at least remember to take your work with you so if you become inspired mid-frolic you don't have to spend 45 minutes walking home first, only to be become hungry and spend another half hour trying to make pancakes.